“Wanted, an elderly out-of-condition male for short-term employment with no career prospects. Must be prepared to endure extreme heat while, at the same time, exercising patience and indulgence with spoiled children. No pension or private health scheme, no holidays, company car or travelling allowance. Uniform and some training provided. Must have a clean criminal record.”
Doesn’t sound like the most inspiring of job adverts, does it? Yet, despite this, there are always those who want to be the Santa Claus in a department or toy store.
But what would the real Santa Claus make of it if he were to set up in business now?
“Hello little girl”
There would be an immediate issue over which part of the North Pole he came from. If it were not a section owned by an EU country then he would not be eligible to work in the UK.
After that, he would have to overcome the incredible innuendo that would go with the notion of a 60+ year old man wanting to have young children queuing up to sit on his knees. It would surely make him a pervert, wouldn’t it? He would face trial in the newspapers.
Even if Santa got full CRB clearance, there would be questions asked and it would be hard to imagine any stores allowing him to set up his grotto. HMRC would probably question his self-employed status, claiming that he was really an employee of the stores rather than an independent contractor.
Giving presents away would also attract the attention of the Police who would, no doubt, be deeply suspicious of how such gifts had been obtained and why he didn’t need to charge for them. If his generosity were to cause an unruly crowd to assemble, he might well be guilty of a public order offence.
Children no longer want hoops and balls – they want Nintendos and other computer games, DVD’s, MP4′s and various gadgets. If Santa Claus and his elves were privately manufacturing such items, they would be sued by the various electronics corporations for piracy.
What does Santa Claus pay his elves, too? Even if it is not cash, it will still be deemed ‘benefits in kind’ and thus constitute taxable earnings. Does he do payroll for them? If not, he will face fines and imprisonment as well as prosecution for breaching the minimum wage rules.
“Is that there vehicle yours, sir?”
The use of reindeer will also raise some eyebrows with the RSPCA, DEFRA and the Local Authority Co-ordinators of Regulatory Services who will ask questions about how and where the animals are kept and comment on the way in which they are used to haul the sleigh.
The Highways Department will be less than happy about the damage the sleigh has caused the asphalt surface of the road and he will, at the very least, get a stern lecture about not repeating the offence.
The by-product of the reindeer will not prove popular with the local council who will undoubtedly insist that Santa Claus take it away with him when he departs or face a bill and fine for fouling the pavement. This could end up causing him to receive an ASBO, getting both him and his reindeer curfewed – that is if they aren’t first towed away for illegal parking.
If the reindeer are not registered against his passport and are uninsured then he could be summarily arrested.
Perhaps it’s as well that the store Santa Claus is just an elderly man in a costume and not the real deal.
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