Perhaps you’ve got a new job lined up, maybe you want to start your own business or it could be you’re plain bored and want an excuse for doing some DIY, gardening or lounging on the sofa watching daytime telly. On the other hand, it may be that you’ve been approached by the Beeb to star in a re-make of The Sack Race.
Whatever your reason, you will soon find out that getting sacked is actually harder than you thought – especially if you are going for the big one, the jewel in the crown of all sackings: instant dismissal.
The phrase to ‘get the sack’ relates to when workmen carried their tools in sacks and, if the boss had had enough of them, they were told to ‘get their sack and go’, post-haste and without argument. Thus they ‘got the sack’. Nowadays, in a thoroughly emasculated and limp-wristed workplace, employers are even afraid to mention the word – sacking.
With a plethora of complicated procedures to follow, the breach of any single one of which could result in a big penalty for an employer, and the ever-present wraith of ‘constructive dismissal’ – the last refuge of a rogue and scoundrel – getting the sack nowadays actually takes some doing.
However, there are still a few sure-fire ways for the dedicated few who value their own time sufficiently highly to want to put in the effort.
The ACAS manual on disciplinary procedures gives a list of justifications for a charge of gross misconduct however, despite ACAS’ stern words to employees about what can constitute grounds for summary dismissal, tribunals have not always been quite as strict.
Here are five favourite ideas but, as they say, creativity is everything – you never know, you may come up with a truly original idea.
Stealing
Borrowing the office stapler on a permanent basis is not sufficient on its own. You need to do something more impressive like whip a few PC’s, making sure that at least two people (or the security cameras) spot you. Better still, if you can get your hands on some company cash, put it to far better use on a new car that you can then show off to the boss. Unfortunately, even then, it might not be good enough. We had someone steal a lot of cash from us and we were more or less told that if we hadn’t said, “Don’t steal it”, then he could claim it was OK to do so.
Lie on your CV
You would think that would do it but lying like this only usually works if the deception was part of a deliberate attempt to defraud. For example, if you lied about having got qualifications that you don’t have but then don’t use those qualifications in your job, then the company would be hard put to fire you. Even lying over a criminal record may not be grounds unless you have been asked to sign a disclosure to the contrary or your work requires a CRB clearance.
Good old-fashioned smut
While kiddy-porn will (quite rightly) send you directly to jail (no passing ‘GO’ and say ‘hi’ to the lifers for us), sending a colleague some video footage of Desdemona-with-the-unfeasibly-large-hooters’ latest romp with Steve Bighorn is probably only grounds for a warning. Sackings originating from viewing porn have sometimes been over-ruled and, while there is no question that the employee is liable to a warning for ‘wasting company time’ or ‘poor performance’, those are relatively minor misdemeanours and won’t get you sacked by themselves.
Landing one on the boss (or another employee)
Come on, you know that they’ve been gagging for it. You’d love to do it, wouldn’t you? The trouble is that, while ‘physical violence’ is on the ACAS hitlist, three things may occur as a result of your right hook. Firstly, you may only get a minor wigging, secondly, the recipient may thump you back even harder than you hit them and thirdly, you may get arrested and then have a criminal conviction to explain. This could make an act of violence a bit on the drastic side.
Copying Homer’s attitude towards health and safety
You’d think that endangering the health of yourself or your colleagues would fix you, wouldn’t it? Trouble is that, nowadays, your employer will be expected to sit you down and ask why you did what you did and what training would help you understand that rewiring all the plugs in your office was ‘not a good idea’. Your colleagues, who may be nursing burnt fingers or still seeing blue flashes in front of their eyes, may not be quite so understanding.
If stopping work is your ambition then good luck. Don’t forget the words of the famous quote, “If a train station is where a train stops, what happens at a work station?”
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